Dear Diary: Finding Joy Through Attention

Dear Diary: 

This “Motherhood Slump,” or whatever it is I’m experiencing, has been full of unexpected revelations. Lately, I'm realizing I can almost always find joy, if I'm paying attention.

When I was about 13, a pre-professional dance student taking classes nearly 20 hours a week, I noticed something strange: I performed best when I was tired. My best classes were always the mornings after a late night sleepover with a friend. Even as I got older and life changed, the pattern stuck. I’ve always done my best work when I’m exhausted. It’s not on purpose, it’s actually kind of frustrating, but it’s true.

When I’m tired, I have no choice but to focus on the exact moment in front of me. Whether it’s reversing a petite allegro combination, making the right caffeinated beverage for a Starbucks regular, teaching choreography the week before a show, or being fully present with my kids and spouse, there’s no space left in my brain for multitasking. And honestly, I’m happier that way. I like who I am when I’m fully present.

Lately, I’ve been listening to Glennon Doyle and Abby Wambach’s podcast We Can Do Hard Things. In one episode, they interviewed Dr. Amishi Jha, a neuroscientist who studies attention: how it fails us and how we can train it. (This is a very simplified description of her incredible work; you should absolutely look her up!)

Listening to her, I realized that when I’m tired, I’m accidentally practicing mindfulness. It’s not ideal, I mean, it’s kind of shitty that I function best when I’m half asleep! But it does mean I can learn from it. If I want to be at my best more often, I need to consciously bring that same level of focus into everyday moments.

Multitasking isn’t the answer. It’s disingenuous, it doesn’t save time or make life easier. Our minds can’t truly do multiple things at once. It’s just switching rapidly between tasks, draining energy, and it means never fully showing up for any of them. That leaves me feeling frustrated, anxious, and exhausted. It robs me of joy.

I catch myself waiting for the big moments to feel the joy: vacations, holidays, those slow, magical days where everything finally feels still. I tell myself, once we get there, then I’ll feel lighter, calmer, more content. But I’m realizing how much life I miss when I live that way.

This morning, joy showed up while I sitting on the floor in front of the sofa with the 3 year old: she asked me to brush her plush pig’s hair while she chatted with me.  It also showed up when the 5 year old asked me to sit down and work on a 100 piece puzzle with her before school. And right now, it’s in the simple act of finishing my 3rd, (or is it my 4th?) cup of coffee while it’s still warm. 

Sometimes I think I might resist joy because it feels almost… irresponsible. How dare I pause when there’s still so much undone? When the world feels heavy? But joy isn’t about pretending things are perfect. It’s about noticing the small pieces of good that live right alongside the hard, and being present throughout it all. 

Maybe this is what this season is trying to teach me: joy doesn’t wait for everything to be calm, or perfect, or done. It’s here, right in the middle of the chaos!

So maybe I don’t need to be tired to be present after all. Maybe I just need to remember what being tired forces me to do: slow down, pay attention and be present with what’s right in front of me.

Thanks for listening Diary.

Love,

Della