Dear Diary: How Can I Protect My Daughters When I Couldn’t Always Protect Myself?

Trigger Warning: this post discusses sexual harassment, sexual assault, and abuse of power in teaching environments.

Dear Diary:

I have a lot on my mind lately. It's been really hard to sit down and allow myself to decompress it all. I believe I actually have three or four half started, or half finished,  "Dear Diary" entries in my notes app.

Currently on the front of my mind is from something I heard via a rabbit hole I accidentally fell into on Reddit, which spiraled into the black hole I like to call Instagram.

A few years ago, pre kids, I studied with a very well known, (male), yoga teacher while visiting my family. It was very exciting getting to practice with him! I had been following this teacher on social media, and it felt super special getting to learn from him.

His method of teaching was/is controversial as he is not prone to maintaining a calm environment, rather he is loud, intense and semi aggressive in his adjustments. I did not mind it because it was familiar to me; I had some aggressive dance teachers growing up. Was it something I wanted frequently in my life? No. But for a bit of time while on holiday break I did not mind it.

More recently while studying in India I heard many stories about him. People spoke about his dedication to family, his commitment to his students, and the way he had built a respected name in the yoga community. These stories made me feel even more fortunate that I had the opportunity to study with him, however briefly. After that I had even more respect and admiration for him.

Anyways, while on Reddit I noticed very recent posts regarding him. At first I couldn't believe it, did not want to believe it.....I read about awful things he has done, been doing for years and is most likely continuing to do. I am not going to be specific, but sadly in this day and age I am sure you can guess what kind of behavior has been transpiring. I also learned that this

teacher has sued former students and staff for defamation when they have spoken up about him and his transgressions.

Diary, I am disgusted.

I am disgusted with this person, but I am also disgusted with myself. How could I be so blind? So trusting? I allowed this man to guide me in a very personal practice. I admired him. I allowed his hands on me.

And this isn’t the first time. In my late teens, I had a dance instructor who, I later learned, behaved in very similar ways. Another man I trusted. Another man I respected. Another man I allowed to put his hands on my body.

Now I am raising two daughters. I like to think of myself as strong, smart, independent, capable. But when things like this surface, my foundation shakes. I question myself. My judgment. My parenting. This world.

It brings back the memories of awful situations I have experienced first hand. Times of feeling helpless, trapped, ashamed and alone.

Like too many woman, I have been harassed.

Like too many woman, I have been verbally assaulted.

Like too many woman, I have been sexually assaulted.

Like too many woman, I have not spoken up.

It makes me ask myself; how do I protect my daughters, when I haven’t always been able to protect myself?

Thanks for listening Diary.

Love,

Della