Dear Diary: My 3 Year Old Says She's Not a Good Kid

Dear Diary,

This morning my 3 year old looked at me and said, “Mommy, I am not a good kid.”

Diary, my heart sank. Hearing those words in her little voice shook my soul. I immediately thought, Where did she hear this? I’ve never said that to her. I work so hard to make sure my girls know they are good, loved, and liked no matter what.

And yet, I spiraled. I blamed myself. I must be failing her. I must not be a good mother if the 3 year old believes she’s not a good kid.

All of these thoughts raced through my mind in seconds. I crushed myself under the weight of her feelings, blaming myself, knowing this is my fault.

But then I realized something: She’s a human being. She has her own feelings, her own ways of seeing and processing what she is experiencing. How many times have I felt like I wasn’t a good mother, even though no one has ever told me that? Those feelings came from within me, not from someone else’s words.

I realized: I don’t have to call my child a “bad kid” for her to feel like one. Just like I don’t need someone else’s criticism to feel like I’m not a good enough as a mom.

When I teach, I always try to focus on the positive: praising strengths, sprinkling in “do better” moments only when needed. But in parenting, am I doing the same? Or am I spending more energy on “you can do better” than on “I see how kind you are”?

The truth is, with the 3 year old, I probably am. She is harder to parent than her sister, not because of who she is, but because her big feelings challenge me to figure out my own feelings.

Yesterday something happened that made my heart explode in the best way: the principal called about the 5 five year old. My mind began racing, I worried she was hurt or in trouble. But instead, she had been called into the principal’s office for recognition of her kindness, her respect, her wonderful spirit.

I was proud, but even more than that, she was proud. She glowed all afternoon and into the night, her little heart lifted with confidence and joy. It was beautiful.

The fact that her teacher and principal chose to see the good first reminded me of something so so so important: this is how we shape our children. This is how we shape the future.

Yes, I will always want my girls to grow, to do better, to reach higher. But I cannot forget that the truest growth comes when we first recognize and voice out loud the good that’s already there.

Love,

Della

Inspired by this real parenting moment, I've made a printable set of affirmation cards to help remind children (and parents) that they are good, loved, and enough. You can find them for purchase in The Della Diary Etsy Shop