Dear Diary: Saying Goodbye to the Pacifier

Dear Diary,

9:32am

We're doing it. We are saying goodbye to the pacifier!

The 3 year old threw her pacis into the trash can and said goodbye! (Rather cheerfully I must add) My heart feels so conflicted. I know they "need" to go, but she's my baby. My last baby. I don't know if I'm ready to see her grow up in this way.

I am really proud of her though, she was all about putting the pacis into the trash can. And she's not the type of kid to take things back out of the trash; she's fully aware that trash is permanent.

The husband took the two kids out for the day, sans paci, for some errands and "a super fun surprise activity" I'm leaving this entry open to provide additional updates as my heart needs.

1:30pm

I texted the husband to ask how she's doing. His response gave my heart a kick: "A couple screaming episodes but we talked though it and the 5 year old has helped"

I had pulled the 5 year old to the side before they left and told her that her little sister will likely have a hard time today. I also asked if she could please be a little extra patient with her. She said "don't worry mom I got this" 🥹 Clearly she does.

6:25pm

My heart has been shattered. 💔

She went into her room screaming and crying huge crocodile tears. "I want my paci back! My paci! My paci!"

The husband has been taking the lead on this whole adventure so he went in to talk to her. I may or may not have been eavesdropping and ended up going in too, not because he wasn't do a good job, he's totally rocking it, I went in for myself and sat on the floor. She stood in front of me with her huge tears and said "I want to grow little again! I want to grow little! I want my paci so I can be little!" I could not keep myself together. I held her and cried with her. I'm crying even as I write this. My baby. My sweet, sweet baby. How can I be such a monster? I don't know how I can do this.

Diary, I caved. I said "how about we use paci only for sleeping? I will see if I can find one!" She was still sobbing but agreed. I went and "found" one. (I had secretly taken 3 pacifiers out of the trash can, washed them, and hid them on top of the fridge....)

She was so freaking sweet. The husband and I reinterated that it was ONLY for sleeping while in her bed, and a good place to keep it was under her pillow. She negotiated this quite extensively but we finally settled on her hiding it under MY pillow so I can keep it safe... 🥹

Right after that we had a super late dinner. Out of seemingly nowhere she said; "Mommy, you are so amazing." ❤️‍🩹

Thank you my child. If only I could always feel as amazing as you think I am.

Love,

Della