Dear Diary: The Show I Didn't Realize I Had

Dear Diary,

For as long as I can remember, I've loved writing; the feel of a good pen, empty pages begging to be filled. I believe at one point I owned nearly every color of gel pen. My favorites were the pastel sparkly ones.

I filled notebooks with my writings. Only college ruled,  wide ruled was too babyish and I hated unlined paper - I could never seem to write in a straight line and it would drive me nuts. Often I would start them with dear diary, but sometimes I felt silly calling them diary and would call them my journal instead and would just start an entry with a hi! or nothing at all, just straight into whatever was on my mind that moment.

I would write about my day. I would write about what made me feel upset or happy. I would write annoyed thoughts about my siblings and parents. I would write good things that happened in dance class that day. Experiences I had with the instructors that always chose favorites and how I was never one of "the chosen ones", as we called them. I would write lists and goals, things I wanted to do, things I would never, ever do.

I would play around with my letter styling: some days it would be all lower case, sometimes only upper case. Bubble letters, cursive, tiny writing, giant writing, alternating lower and upper; they all had their moments too.

It wasn't just the filling of empty notebooks I enjoyed. Writing enabled me to connect with others who loved to write too; pen pals! One I am still in touch with; I have met her kids and she mine.

I loved writing to my pen pals. It was not uncommon for me to write 2-4 page novels to someone on the other side of the country, asking them questions, telling them about my pets and my favorite color, and then waiting WEEKS to hear back. Anxiously checking the mailbox, feeling horrible if I couldn't sit down and write back immediately.

I had a desk, with shelves full of stationary. Aka scrap book paper I would beg my mom to purchase for me every time we went to the craft store. "It's only 10/15/25 cents a sheet!" I found so much joy crafting letters to my pen pals on funky sheets of paper meant for memories.

The delight that writing gave to younger me gives present day me a feeling of such pride. Pride for giving myself an outlet to fully express myself without question. Pride for coming back to it over and over and over again.

Nowadays writing looks different. I no longer have a collection of pens and beautiful paper. I'm lucky to be able to write a grocery list without having to wrestle a pen back from the 3 year olds determined little hands. Or find a piece of scrap paper with enough blank space to write a legible to do list.

Most often I use the Notes app on my iPhone to "jot down" my thoughts in raw form. As the day/week/month progresses I'll add to it. Re-read. Refine. Feel it again. Eventually I copy it to my blog site and publish.

Feel it again. That's something that is different with my writing this time around. I don't really remember re reading anything I wrote. Once it was on paper it was either forgotten, or pushed deep down.

Leaving my thoughts unfinished and having the opportunity to revisit them has been magical, and healing.  Again and again I have cried, rolled my eyes, laughed, felt the anger, the frustration, the sadness, the joy all over again. No longer am I pushing these big feelings away, I'm letting them be. I'm letting them do what they need to do without shame, without question. Without judgment.

I had a dance teacher who once who told me that I would have my own show, called "The Della Show". I loved that idea so much!  The memory of that proclamation has stuck with me for 20+ years and at one point I would've given anything for that to come to life.

I just realized something. My teacher was right...I do have a show. It just looks a little different than I had ever imagined.

It’s not "The Della Show." It’s The Della Diary.

Love,

Della

P.S. If reading this stirred something in you, I’d love for you to keep writing too. I created a collection of printable diaries on Etsy. These printable diaries are made with gentle prompts to help you reflect, reset, and reconnect with yourself, one page at a time. You can check them out here.