Dear Diary: Receiving A Sign From the Universe

Receiving A Sign From the Universe

Dear Diary,

It is an absolutely beautiful morning. It's the last Sunday before school starts and I'm sitting in our backyard enjoying a cool breeze, yes it's actually cool! I usually spend my mornings outside, but it's almost always at 5:30am, before the sun comes up. Now it is 9:45am and a whole different experience.

I originally came outside to play with the dog, but then I rearranged the Adirondack chairs and they looked inviting so I sat down. The thoughts and worries begin to flow while Cinnamon pants beside me....

I'm really nervous about sending the 5 year old to Kindergarten tomorrow. I'm really nervous to send the 3 year old to preschool on Tuesday. I don't think I'm nervous for them, they are excited and ready for school. I think I'm nervous for me. I've craved time to myself during the day, but now that it's almost here I'm terrified. I feel like they are growing too fast and I'm going to lose them before I know it. I think I trust the schools, but I'm terrified of the climate we live in. I'm terrified I'll spend my days worrying and feeling completely alone in my worries. I'm terrified I'll be lonely. I'm just terrified.

I don't know what the future holds, I don't really want to know what the future holds either. All I really wish I could have is a guarantee that the future is going to be wonderful and amazing, full of sunshine and rainbows for everyone. Especially my girls. However naive it may be, I will always have that wish and I will always do my damn best to help it come true.

But what if my best isn't enough?  What if I'm not enough?

This is a recurring thought that has shown up for me my entire life. In my current season I feel it showing up more and more often. And it sucks, Diary.

But then I look up, I look out of my thoughts. I see a view I gaze at every day. And then I see it.

A heart. Hanging off my favorite branch on a gorgeous tree draped with Spanish moss. A heart.

I received a much needed sign from the universe. I let the tears roll. I know nothing in life is guaranteed, I know no one can predict the future. But I do know that I have so much love in my life.  I may not always feel like I'm enough, but I know there's no way I can ever say that I don't love enough.

Thank you Universe. I'm just going to sit here and cry a little longer.

Love,

Della