Dear Diary: Why Does Parenting My Second Child Feel So Much Harder Than My First?

Dear Diary,

WHY DID NO

ONE TELL ME THAT SECOND CHILD PARENTING IS SO HARD?

The 3 year old challenges me. She challenges my entire being. Sometimes, I feel like my soul is getting sucked out of me as her mother. I feel like I am not doing enough for her. That I am not enough for her. There. I said it.

I used to say I was afraid of her, however after working through that phase with my therapist, I realized I'm not afraid of HER, (she's actually quite a lovely little human), I AM afraid of her emotions. She is everything I want my child to be: unapologetically herself, stubborn, unafraid to say, (scream), what she needs or wants, emotional, dramatic, funny AF....

It's just, well, I get so overwhelmed by it all.

She said to me, "Mommy, you're my favorite person in the whole world" I melted. It was quite possibility one of the sweetest things she's ever said to me. An hour later she sat in my lap and deliberately peed on me. And laughed about it.

Yeah, I know. It IS a little funny. But in the moment it's not.  Especially being late in the day right before meeting the hubby for dinner, especially after every single one of my buttons have been pushed throughout the day AND I've been doing a damn great job holding it all together/pausing to breathe during the challenging moments. And then I feel like all of my hard work of being a "good mom" just goes down the drain. I start yelling and saying things like "EW NO! This is DISGUSTING! Why would you do this to me? You know better! I'm so angry at you, get away from me!"

WHYYYYYYY. This is not the mom I want to be, this is not the kind of human I want to be. I'm trying. But, this shit is hard.

Love,

Della